ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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