We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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