first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
