he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
