you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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