His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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