Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
