i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
