You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My pussy is not your playground.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
