I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
