dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
