that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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