It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
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wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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