WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
