I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
