I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
