..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
