I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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