The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
