Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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