Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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