she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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