i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
