Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
