So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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