When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
