where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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