News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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