Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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