I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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