In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
