forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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