Only a mothe r could love this liver
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
