He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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