I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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