i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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