Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
