Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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