im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
