I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
