a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
