Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
