hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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