If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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