I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
