literally had 100 drinks last night.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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