Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
What a dumb baby whore.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
