it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You ruined the universe
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
