I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
