Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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