Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
