Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
