Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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