It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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