The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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