So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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