and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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