The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
