i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
love makes seman taste better
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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