got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
