I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
